More and more
in our society, especially with the rise of divorce, we are finding single moms
raising their children. As a mother, I am proud to see the single moms that are
out there doing all they can to offer their children the best opportunities.
But still, it is a tragedy. Too often, the role of the father in their
children's lives is ignored or simply absent entirely. As a woman, I agree that
mothers are strong, and can do so much for their children (often more than they
though possible), but we cannot neglect that there is a gaping vacuum when
fathers are not in the picture. And fathers should not forgo the opportunity to
offer their children the things that only they can provide in their unique way.
It's just different, coming from a father. I don't think this is just my own
opinion. Research can support the impact of a father's genuine involvement in
their children's lives.
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| Their "serious" looks... except, much angrier looking. |
Did you know
that a father’s involvement in their home directly impacts the likelihood of
abuse their children may experience in their household? Compared to their peers
living with both parents, children in single parent homes are, overall, a 120%
percent greater risk of being endangered by some type of child abuse. It could
be said that single mothers often have to work harder and longer than mothers
of children living with two parents, and this leaves their children more
exposed to abuse at the hands of others, or even become abusive due to the
constant emotional and physical stress that may occur. So how can father’s
involvement in their home make a difference? Well in my experience, it’s not
just having someone to hand off the dirty diapers to while I grab a new one.
This can look different in every home, but in whichever scenario, a father’s
involvement is one to be valued.
In my own home,
my husband and I have pretty traditional roles. While we have both taken turns
as breadwinners in our family to accomplish our family’s united goals, I’ve
naturally taken on the role of cook, housecleaner, and diaper changer. My
husband Orlando has naturally taken on the role of budgeter, vision caster,
entertainer (with the kids), and order keeper (very necessary in our rowdy
female household). These roles were not forced on us, but it was of our own
choosing, much of it by trial and error, and by learning our strengths and how
we best compliment each other in this team that is our family. Each a different
role, each just as important and valuable, each with a voice.
Nonetheless,
there were many times where I felt I was doing the parenting alone. My husband
is a filmmaker and business owner, and while our littles were even teenier than
they are now, he was also going to school full time. And often taking on other
part time jobs. I felt like I changed ALL the diapers, soothed EVERY booboo, managed
EVERY bedtime. Of course, this was not entirely true, but in my sleep-deprived,
confused, and overwhelmed new motherly state, I felt it was all on me. It was
hard to appreciate the role of a father sometimes, because I felt that role was
supposed to look like a duplicate mother:
another individual who offered the exact same role as I did. Of course, with
our schedules and family needs, my husband (in his own sleep-deprived,
overworked, and overwhelmed new fatherly state) simply could not meet that, could
not be that. And truth-be-told, he
was not created to be another me. He
needed to be himself for his
children. I had to learn this, and I have, over time.
Fathers meet a
unique role in a family structure – the role of support to the mother and
father to their children. My husband has always had a soothing and calming
effect on us crazed Gomez girls. I am usually all over the place, and at the
end of the day, I needed someone to piece me back together again. Orlando was
exactly that. Like even the other day, we had one of the most stressful days
that we’ve had in a very long time. By the end of the evening, I was struggling
to hold on to the “cool” that I had during the day, and my grasp on “calm” was
all but gone. In the middle of it all, Orlando got my attention and simply
said, “You’re ok.” And suddenly I was. And
he has that same effect on my daughters. In the middle of one of their
breakdowns, I could do nothing it seems to calm them. Then, he could step in,
offer a few short words, and suddenly life is fine again. It’s magic.
I know that I
am personally a better mother, and a better person, because of my husband’s
support to me as a mother, and watching him be a father to my children. He has
a special role he plays in their lives that I could never fill in the same way.
My next blog
will discuss ways in which a father’s parenting role not only looks often
different from a mother’s, but also how these different ways of interacting
with children offer huge benefits to their present and future well being. Be
sure to look out for the next one!
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